funny, humor, comedy, poetry
Funny comedy poems and quotes by Tommy Garrison
Free Funny Poetry and Hilarious Quotes
My Kitty Cat Is Scared Poem, I Want To Play Some Ball Poem,
My Street Ballin Bigfoot, The Dog Cook Poem, Disastrous Christmas Poem,
Doggonit Get Out OF My Way Poem, Brokeback Bananas Poem,
A Bugs Life Poem, Dog Poems, Daffy's Confession Poem

Note: Some PG-13 Funny Poetry and Quotes
Dogs Make Better Cooks!

Your food is blah, just take one look,
now move on over, you can't cook!
Give me an apron, and pass me a fork.
I'll make roast poultry and then some pork.

Hand me a skillet and give me that hat!
I even know a recipe for barbecue cat.
Some canned dog food sliced real nice,
neatly laid out on a delicious bed of rice.

These human appliances get in my way,
just turning on the stove takes me all day,
and what do I do with this dumb mitt,
not fit for a dog cook, not fit one bit!

Written by Tommy Garrison
Disastrous Christmas

Recession proof Christmas, Bah! My ass!
Then why am I here, sifting through trash?

Toy shop costs running way too high,
Elves went on strike, Reindeer won't fly!

Broken busted toys, all fixed with glue.
Seems Misfit Island is the north pole too!

Prancer got knocked up, Dancer over weight,
sled won't even lift off out of the gate!

Rudolf's nose?
Yes red, but from liquor and booze!
Drunk leading reindeer is serious bad news!

Now the Mrs. serves me with papers of divorce,
gonna take the house, the elves and the Porsche.

What am I suppose to do, I am just ol' St Nick?
I got it!
I'll call Bernake, and get a bailout real quick!

Written by Tommy Garrison

Author Note: Picture poem contest and I won a Gold
Trophy. Kind of a dated poem, wrote it in 2010 if
you couldn't tell.
Doggonit Get Out Of My Way!

Don't you know I'm late for work,
now step on the pedal you stupid jerk!

Your car is much too slow, it's driving me nuts,
I will stay on this damn horn you lame putz!

Move your ride and get out of my way!
I really don't care what you have to say!

I will take off this seat belt and go in a rage,
being stuck behind you is worse than a cage.

If I get outta my car I'm gonna bite you in the ass,
then pull out the lead and make you put it on the gas.

Written by Tommy Garrison
Brokeback Bananas

Banana 1
"This is fun!"
Banana 2
"Maybe for you."
Banana 1
"Oooohh right there!"
Banana 2
"Wait! WHAT? Where??"
Banana 1
"Yeah that's IT!"
Banana 2
"Oww Oh shit!"

This is what I call
a brokeback banana split!

Written by Tommy Garrison

Author Note: This was another picture poem contest and I
won another gold trophy with this one. lol
Baby's Proud Moment

Mommy! Look at me! I just went pee pee!

I pulled down my diapie and let it all out!
What are you runnin' and yellin' all about?
I am sure I did all the steps perfectly good.
and used the imaginary toliet right where I stood!

Written by Tommy Garrison
Turkey Day

Gobble gobble it's turkey day.
Golden brown turkey on a tray.
Lets eat turkey every day and night.
Huge turkey dinners are a great sight!
But you may not think it is so much fun,
if you're the turkey at the end of the gun.
A turkey might have something else to say.
"How would you all like a people day!"
People and gravy, mash potatoes and corn!
Revenge of the turkey, a turkey's scorn!
Good thing turkeys are pretty dumb,
cause a people day doesn't sound fun!

Written by Tommy Garrison
Knuckles' Christmas Story
Written by Tommy Garrison

My latest full color children's book!
Free short web story. A magical fable.

Knuckles' Christmas Story
From heaven to hell in a flash.
All hope and happiness crash.
A weekly evil so ugly appears,
bringing life to our inner fears.

What is this foul monster you say?
This creature is known as Monday!

Written by Tommy Garrison
A bugs life...

Poor little insects of the summer lawn,
living so happily from dusk to dawn.

But for the mower of death bringing forth it's fury,
reaping blades from above, now judge and jury.

Then a little hopper appeared from under the beast,
leaving behind spinning chaos and all the deceased.

A valiant little grasshopper, so very brave,
escaping certain death and an early grave.

Thought, “Damn that was close” as he jumped and fled,
when suddenly a little girl stomped right on his head!

Poor little insects of the summer lawn....

Written by Tommy Garrison
I want to play some ball!

I want to play some football, it really looks like fun,
I do the best I can, and they say I can really run.
Baseball is so awesome and I badly want to play,
but every time I do they say I'm  in the way!
When I go to throw the ball it's like I don't have thumbs.
It seems every time I try, all the kids just say I'm dumb!
Soccer looks amazing, and I try and get the ball,
but I guess the other kids think I'm just too small.
Now tennis is the best, what a truly perfect game,
but it turns into keep away, and it's really not the same.
Whenever I get a chance they call me a ball hog.
they never like the slobber, and call me stupid dog!

Written by
Tommy Garrison
My Kitty Cat is Scared

I'm poor and out of money,
my kitty seems so scared.
She looks at me so funny,
like I'm gonna shave her hair.
Then put her in a pot
and cook her up for dinner.
She knows it's all I got
and that I'm getting thinner.
I tell her do not fear,
even though I'm getting frail.
Well maybe just an ear,
and that tasty looking tail.

Written by
Tommy Garrison
My Street Ballin' Bigfoot

I met a bigfoot today,
at least eight feet tall.
He was all brown and gray
and I gave him a B-ball.

Then I took him to the court
and showed him how to play.
I taught him this new sport,
trash talk and what to say.

Introduced him to some groups,
the very best on the street.
Challenged 'em to some hoops,
my bigfoot could not be beat!

Then someone said his mama
was big, ugly, and hairy.
This caused a bunch of drama,
my bigfoot got real scary!

He rolled the player up,
turned him into a little ball,
then said “NOW WASUP?”
and bounced him off a wall!

My bigfoot was so mad,
he continued, “I'm no punk!”
and I really did feel bad
when he slammed him with a dunk!

Written by
Tommy Garrison

He is dead? Really? Why are you looking at me?
Sure, we had problems, but he was my good pal.
We may have had a fight, one, or two, or three.
But I had nothin' to do with him face down in a canal.

What are you talking about, I didn't do that!
The rabbit had more enemies than I can count.
I don't know why you found his fur on my gat.
Getting rid of the Bugs even I couldn't surmount.

Talk to Mr. Fudd, he's always got a gun.
Trying to shoot everything in sight, I've seen!
He thinks killing little animals is lots of fun!
Ol' Elmer has a bad temper and he's very mean.

Really, you gotta believe me, I Loved that bunny!
We worked together all the time, we were tight.
NO I'm not smiling and I don't think this is funny.
Pinning that hare's demise on me just ain't right!

I don't know where I was twelve hours ago.
I could have been in the rabbit's dumb hole.
We were getting ready to do a big show.
You must all think I have a cold wicked soul!

Ok, Ok, I did it! The freaking rabbit had it coming.
Now, I'M the star! and the show I will be running!

Written by Tommy Garrison
Daffy's Confession
Why are clams so happy anyway?
In today's sensitive times is it not politically incorrect to ask for your coffee black?
Should we say “I like my coffee African American?"
Has anyone actually ever met a skunk with a drinking problem?
What must toddlers think when we feed them hot dogs?
And are hot dogs in Asia the real McCoy?
Do you actually walk around naked on your birthday,
and if so, does anyone ever say, “Hey nice suit”
That's what turkeys get for saying gobble gobble all the time.
If you are irresponsible and flushing your life down the toilet,
are you backing up and overflowing when you become responsible?
Is a wiccan on the beach a sandwitch?
If owls are so smart why do they ask the same question over and over?
Does anyone actually really LOL, I want to start a trend called SCIBSLOLA
Slightly Chuckle Inside But Say Laugh Out Loud Anyway.
I wonder if we call them board games because we play them when we are bored?
If beauty is only skin deep... How deep is ugly?
If men have beer bellies, why can't we say women have wine asses?
Maybe zombies are misunderstood and they just want a hug.
My wife told me I am not romantic enough,
so I made her a bed of roses... thorns and all.
My wife told me to whisper sweet nothings in her ear,
so I leaned over and whispered “empty box of chocolates”
Humans...our breath stinks, our armpits stink, our butts stink, and our feet stink.
We didn't evolve to the top, it's just that nothing wanted to eat us.
Has anyone ever actually given someone a rat's ass?
I told my wife, “I love you more than life itself”. She handed me a gun and said prove it.
I'm so poor... pick pockets secretly slip me money.
I'm so poor... I make my family use both sides of the toilet paper.
I'm so poor... our kids think my old atari is a playstation,
and the typewriter is a computer.
I'm so poor... My license plate says “My other car is a Hyundai”
How come I keep getting cats with only one life?
Why do we call it insane? Shouldn't it be called out of sane?
How crazy and surreal would life be if all our dreams came true?
What came first, fried chicken or scrambled eggs?
I wonder if plants have a different opinion on what a carnivore is?
Shouldn't identity thieves have to take your spouse and kids too?